Just Don't Feel Like Having Sex? You Are Not Alone.

It is perfectly normal for a woman's sex drive to ebb and flow. But what if yours seems to be all ebb and no flow or, in other words, you're never really 'up for it'?

If you don't want to have sex, having a low libido isn't a problem. Just like if you don't want to be an olympic gymnast, it doesn't matter that you can't twirl a ribbon.

There is the idea of natural or normal libido, and often people think anything outside of that means there is something wrong, but this idea can be damaging.

That doesn't mean there is nothing you can do if you would like to up your libido.

What even is libido?

Sexual urge / libido / mojo, are all just other terms for sex drive. Sex drive being our desire to be involved in a sexual activity.

Experts suggest our libido can fluctuate in two ways:

1. Your desire can come and go momentarily just like any state of being, say like happiness or frustration; or

2. Broader changes can influence libido, such as age, kids, menopause, medication, hormones, stress or relationship satisfaction.

Libido also can be quite complex and can cross over the boundaries stated above. For example, if your partner is really shitting you to the point that you are considering leaving the relationship (broader changes), but then a cheeky smile and joke exchanged between you can change this desire in a minute (state of being).

Do you have a problem?

 Low sex drive is very common, it is reported that 1 in 3 women have a low sex drive, and it is the most common sexual problem that sexologists come across with their clients.

Dr Andrea Waling, a researcher from the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, explains that the idea that sexual desire should be at a certain level , or should be consistent over time is not accurate and can actually be harmful. 

Dr Waling writes: "If you are someone with a naturally low libido you may feel you are dysfunctional and try to correct it. But more people are realising and accepting that aspect of themselves".

However, stigma around extremely high libido in women or low libido in men still remains, Dr Waling says: "Women are still getting a lot of slut shaming if they have high libido and enjoy lots of sex". While she explains that men feel there is something wrong with them if they do not have the high libido that men are often generalised as having.

Want to improve your libido?

 If you do wish to see a change in your libido then there are some things you can try. Talking to your GP can be a good starting point to rule out any medications you might be taking or hormone imbalances.

Other factors can include:

Are you comfortable being naked?

If you don't feel comfortable in your own skin then this can affect your desire to get your kit off around somebody else.

• Take a moment to assess the messages you are sending yourself regarding body image and what the ideal body is. This could include unfollowing social media accounts that aren't aligned with a more positive body image.
• Look after your health and exercise for the benefits it will give your mental state of mind, not to lose weight. Sometimes all it takes to improve your own body image is regular exercise.

 How's your relationship doing?

 How you feel about your partner can make a big difference. If you think that your partner is attracted to you and desires you then this can have a positive affect on your libido.

• Look after yourself so that you feel desirable. It could be as simple as popping on your fave lippy colour or painting your nails. The confidence you derive from these simple gestures is sexy.

Do you even know what you want?

Feeling shame around what turns you on or not knowing exactly what it is that turns you on can be a barrier to an improved sex drive. 

Self exploration, getting to know your body sexually, gives you the power to learn what it is that works for you. This in turn can give you the confidence to tell your partner how they can pleasure you. 

As Dr Waling explains: "If you don't know yourself it's hard for someone else to know what you like. That's a huge thing with women who tend to masterbate less often than men (known as the orgasm gap) — they don't have the same self-knowledge of what turns them on."

And be in the moment, she adds.

"There is no point lying there and thinking about your tax return or the casserole in the oven."

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Inspiration for this article taken from ABC's article on the subject linked here.